Tag Archives: comedy

Super Hot Investment Tip

Made an investment recently… Now calm down, I know you’re all excited to hear about it and I’m going to tell you all about it. [Be pretty mean to bring it up and not tell you all about it right?] Investments make good money sense etc etc and in these times everyone is eager for any assistance they can get. I understand this.

My investment is of a different nature, namely the nature of staying comfortable in summertime. Nature + summer=funk. Hot sweaty stinky funk.

Still with me? Great! I recently invested in a collection of A-Shirts. 25 A-Shirts. Yup, damn near a month’s worth factoring in going au natural on weekends.

Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re wondering what the hell an A-Shirt is. Unless you’re nothing like me and you knew all along that wifebeaters were actually called A-Shirts all this time. (Who knew, really, that this was the case? Really?) So I decided that I had spent enough summers uncomfortably attired and was going to do something about it this year. [Snip boring details.]

Wifebeater

Wifebeater, aka A-Shirt

So if you don’t already own a month’s supply of wifebeaters, think about it, ok? You won’t regret it – trust me. You do trust me don’t you?

Trust this: Sleeves are for losers!

Don’t take it personal…

 

To all the insubordinate

Bastards who answered yesterday’s poll question wrong:

SHUT UP!

Just kidding. Your voice matters, I suppose…

Of some seriousness, here is a list of media you may or may not be aware of, but should be:

  • Freaks (movie, 1932)
  • McSorley’s Wonderful Saloon (book by Joseph Mitchell, 1943)
  • 2001 A Space Odyssey (movie, 1968)
  • THX 1138 (movie, 1971)
  • Waterworld (movie, 1995)
  • The Military Industrial Complex (symphonic tone poem by Michael Micara, 2011)

There is a common thread to all these works (other than they are all recommended to you by me!). Next week I’ll fill in the blanks. ‘Till then, feast your brain on this fill in the blanks puzzle:

RATR PFOP AA _ _ _ _

Can you figure out the next four letters? Not a very fair puzzle, but so what? Life isn’t fair…

(or is it…?)

Shut up please.

There is only one right answer!

How can I get you to like me?

What would make you stop complaining?

I love how the background design blots out the text in the poll.. As if the designers somehow sensed the words were meaningless anyway…

You ever see…?

You ever see someone lift up the “Out of Order” sign from where it ever so comfortably rested (say, taped over the elevator call button) and press the button? . . . And then complain that “the elevator must be broken or somethin’ “…!?!?!?

Unfortunately, I have.

You ever see someone fight for the right to use a calculator on a test because “it’s not a math test and in real life we will be able to use a calculator”, WIN, and still get all the math questions wrong!?!?!?

Unfortunately, I have.

You ever hear someone tell a story of how one time the toilet seat slipped underneath them in the office bathroom causing injury to their testicles and forcing them to file for injury at work?

Unfortunately, I have… Why the hell would you tell that story if it happened to you? I wouldn’t! I guess we all just need to talk some things out… Which reminds me of a story told to me by someone who allegedly got it from the source. I’ll leave out the particulars to spare the shamed and the guilty (and keep the setting entirely anonymous!), but a long story short:

a man acted with ill intent against a group of homosexuals, who then took revenge against him by gang raping him the next day. He then, somewhat more casually than one might expect, tells everyone he knows the story of how he got gang raped by a bunch of strangers…

Once againWhy would you tell that story if it happened to you!? There are some theories with this one…

You ever see the look on a man’s face who, after mis-timing a leap in front of a subway train, is knocked back onto the platform by the force of the train?

I haven’t, but I’ve heard it’s a pretty stupid look!

You ever have to call security for a fight in the elevator only to find the security guard beating the living hell out of someone in the elevator?

Fortunately, I have! [In the guard’s defense, she was defending her kin…]

More later…!