Tag Archives: satire

Weight loss for the average Jane.

Today’s post is a special one. One whose meaning I hope will not be lost on you, dear reader, as I explore some of the more profound chambers of the human soul. I will need you, dear reader, to stay focused with me as we venture into these dark and dusty rooms whose existence remains dubious to all who have never ventured into them. The ancient moldy mildew dusts everything in these chambers with a sepia hued shadow that threatens to reduce our memories of this visit to an ephemeral wisp of vision not unlike an astral dream sequence. Are you ready, dear reader? Here we go!

In Rome there lived a Senator. His name I can’t recall.

He lived his life enjoyably, like one big happy ball.

He left unto his children

the land bequeathed to him

and sure enough,

through rough and tough,

they held through thick and thin.

Passing from this amber arbor, we move slowly through the hall into the next chamber:

There lived a sad old witch’s child, whose name is long forgotten.

The witch’s view of everything was sadly sore and rotten.

And so when time to harvest came,

her herbs and newts and brain,

her child pointed out to her: you do not harvest brain.

Moving into the next chamber, we encounter this strange parabolic entity:

Upstairs, downstairs,

Upstairs, down.

Three steps, two steps,

Three steps, trip and fall all the way to the bottom.

Dust yourself off and go have some cocoa.

Arriving at the parlor, we pause because we are tired and sit on the comfy couch to watch some Netflix. We fall asleep while the show continues unwatched. It doesn’t care.

Shut up please.

There is only one right answer!

The future

So the Teepees (I personally hate the term Tea Party as applied to the conservative movement sweeping the media – can’t say sweeping the nation because I don’t actually know anybody that supports that point of view… But that’s a whole other story) want to stop providing public services, saying that the millionaires should be given their money back, to be spent by themselves as they see fit.

I personally think it’s a great idea. It makes me think of all those pretty pictures of medieval manors with the lush gardens and forests, big open fields surrounded by stone walls, and of children singing songs in canon as they till the soil… When I studied manorialism in school I dreamed about that lifestyle and wished that there was some way that we could go back in time and live like that again today.

That’s why I’m so excited about these Teepees taking power. We all know we need to start living closer to the Earth again, and what better way than to get down in the muck on our hands and knees and work from dusk to dawn in the magnificent, organic! soil of Mother Earth? I’m sure the lord of the manor will let us keep enough to survive. And think of the health benefits this active lifestyle will provide for us! No longer engorging ourselves on the fat of the land, and with our constant exertion as we work the fields from the time we can stand upright, we will all be in the best of shape physically and mentally (unless we are unfortunate enough to fall ill, in which case I don’t see any point in providing us medical care – those unfit for work are a burden not to be tolerated).

Tell the truth – you’ve always wanted to live as a serf on a manor! So come on fellow future serfs and let’s all vote Teepee next election – it’s the smart thing to do.

I love onions and beer, don’t you?